Why I Don’t Not Believe - for believers and skeptics

ESSAY 47. Why I Don’t Not Believe - for believers and skeptics

A couple years ago I was asked to teach New Testament and the following year, the Book of Mormon. Living in the San Francisco area, I had plenty of opportunity to dialog with those who do not believe. I even had opportunity to discuss matters of faith with those whose former faith had waned in the flux of pseudo-intellectual attacks from all quarters; former believers and never believers alike.
There are, after all, plenty of topics to challenge one’s faith regardless the holy writ one clings to. As a student of the Bible, I would have been asleep at the wheel to not be aware of controversies like constructing the earth in a few days, no rain until a world-wide flood, celestial impossibilities like the sun standing still, people coming back from the dead, oceans parting, over-packed arks, walking on water, talking donkeys and walking conniving serpents just to name a few more prominent anachronisms to the modern mind.
The Book of Mormon adds its own collection of improbabilities to the sciences; animals that weren’t thought to exist, civilizations undergoing frequent and massive cultural seesaws, rare metals and materials….

To those who make a life’s work out of undermining other’s faiths, there is plenty of fodder to work with… and yet I still believe. Why? And what do I mean that “I don’t not believe?” Simply this, science is an uncertain art that is constantly correcting and re-enlightening itself. History is even worse as the sources are few, biased and void of testability for veracity. So, I have come to conclude that to base one’s beliefs about God on the outcome of an intellectual sparing session would not be a solid foundation to springboard one’s life.

I could choose to ‘Not Believe’ the spiritual content and value obtained from the Book of Mormon or the Bible for lack of my ability (at present) to examine the alloy of stainless steel in the sword wielded by Laban or a plausible explanation for the solar stand still, but that might be a bad call should they unearth the steel treasure down the road a piece as my life comes to a close. I could choose to scoff at the talk of Jesus walking on water having failed in the attempt to reproduce the event in my own laboratory.

You see where I am going with this? I have watched a number of Ahahs reveal themselves in just my own short life; like pre-Columbian horse and Hebrew DNA being finally discovered as predicted by the Book of Mormon but in no case, did that shake let alone break my faith in bleaker years.

Why not? Because in the very beginning I chose wisely to test the very premise of Christianity and the restored gospel. My experiment on the word asked the most fundamental question right up front; as the children’s song says, “Heavenly Father, are you really there and do you listen to and answer every child’s prayer?”

So when I hear someone say, “I question if Joseph Smith was Prophet” because of historical hit pieces, either real but generally not, I think to ask – “Have you asked the only source that matters?” Have you never had encounters with the Divine that you are left to but your own devices to ferret out truth from the clutter of opposing or even hostile forces?

For my understanding, testimony is not belief and contrary to popular lingo, I don’t think you strengthen or weaken it; it can only be added to or forgotten due to long neglect. In my parlance, it is direct experience. Belief, however, can come from experience or an extrapolation from hope. Let me explain that seemingly reverse or perhaps circular order.

I had a profound experience with God when reading the writings in the Book of Mormon as a young man. I have written more extensively about this elsewhere. It was life altering and heart changing. I knew God existed because he changed me pretty fundamentally - instantly. From that encounter, I ‘believed’ the Book had to come from a divine source and by inference the man who produced it too.

I took that experience of a mighty change of heart and when called, answered the call to preach the good word to the people of Norway. When explaining the story of Joseph Smith’s first visionary experience, without belaboring this discussion with so much detail, I and all in the room shared another revelatory event where body and mind are lifted and enlightened - a singular moment of pure knowledge and epiphany. Like explaining what a spoonful of sugar must taste like for the first time, all I can say is you don’t forget those moments any more than any other event you might witness.

So, I added that event to my book of testimonies. An experience had become testimony and that in turn led to a belief that was subsequently replaced by a testimony. My stories of direct encounters, enlightenments, revelations, healings, and directions have grown and have not dimmed by time nor diminished by sophistries demanding instant answers.

Patience has been my friend; sometimes after years of trial of my faith, it revealed “ahah” moments that have been precious to me. After all, even agents of the most high God appreciate seeing comforting sign posts along the path to Zion.

Temple Worship in the LDS community

Temple Worship in the LDS community is a tightly guarded conversation but for the most part this is not really warranted - more a cultural taboo than real or practical.

What follows is a redacted letter to some dear friends as a follow up to a conversation that touched on the temple. I was speaking to members but there is nothing new to the world or inappropriate for a frank but respectful conversation.

"As you both of you are in the business of preparing folks for meeting and engaging God, I thought I might share a few insights on our worship of the Lord through Temple experiences. I meant to send this to you guys a while back when we touched on the topic but I am slow! 

This link is to a letter in my essay collection written long ago but quite relevant. Temple Prep Letter to a friend

But I will share another funny vignette that does teach the need to be actually less secret about the sacred so those who engage for the 1st time are not quite so surprised by the ancient ritualistic nature of the Temple rites.

My own 1st experience was on this wise. I had but 6 months or so previous been born as a new creature. It was a pretty dramatic turn about for me. No, I wasn't robbing folks or such but my orientation switched entirely, overnight, from looking inward to looking upwards and outward. With a new heart, I was ready to serve God and the last step on that journey was to be endowed with the promises and covenants in the temple. 

I knew about nothing other than Dad, the priesthood holder and my Mom, had different undergarments than were the norm for most folks; Though my brother who went to Japan was frequently be asked by the locals where they could get those cool underwear - kind of like cyclist base layer ....anyway it was not so much about the style but how they are presented to the initiate in those days that this story focuses on. 

While the way the Temple presentation/story is told is modernized and less primitive in construction - I was totally cool with the washing and anointing part - very ancient, very primitive and visceral - defiantly a guy thing - felt like an aboriginal experience as they anointed (nothing distasteful or sensual - seriously!) but we are talking about being given an undergarment and what you wore before that was akin to a hospital gown for the same reasons. The Priest would anoint your head, shoulders, neck, arms, legs and tummy with just a touch of water or oil respectively. All tastefully done and all very ancient in experience.

Then all clothed we went to another room ready to receive the "endowment" where you promise to keep God's laws in detail and He in turns promises exaltation to you. I dive into those promises in that essay link On Temple Prep. But then I had a sudden question pop into my head - Trust me there was nothing whatsoever sexual or untoward about the experience; nadda. but it was intimate and no way would it be appropriate for a male priest to do that to a female and so my head was whirling. 

There are a few spots in the ceremony where you are invited to step away if you want. I was about to do just that with that question in my head, but , but you see I had had a transcendent experience with the Almighty who spoke though an experience ((...of my coming to Christ  or How the Scriptures brought me to Christ) with the Book of Mormon. I was made a new creature overnight and new He was real and this was real. I told myself -"keep your hand down and your butt in the chair. You must simply not understand something real important!" I tell you it was hard.  I am a thinker - God has blessed me as a problem solver with a rigidly logical mind and part of my facts suggested to my logical mind that I should figuratively 'run'!

To me this was an Abrahamic experience of total contradiction and total faith. My faith and and trust in God and the goodness of my family and all about be told me I must be shy something rather critical to this moment and so I sat and took in the experience and made my covenants with God. Entering what they call the celestial room - Truly a close proximate of what a heavenly room might be. I found my mother and father and drawing them aside I discretely inquired. "Mom, what about the washing/anointing part. Isn't that pretty inappropriate for a priesthood brother to do that to the gals?" She looked stunned for a moment then stifled what could have been a belly laugh welling up and said "Oh Son, women are ordained with priesthood power in the temple to perform those ordinance for the women!"

I was instantly relieved and also a bit stunned and then greatly chagrined. A few discontented people are always mouthing off about women having priesthood power and there they are! Odd this was never ever mentioned. Seemed like a pretty big thing to never so much as broach the topic.

Nowday's, the ancient feel is largely replaced with symbolic anointing and the 'cross your heart and hope to die' sort of language of the 1800s  - all gone, but the story is same, just the telling a bit more refined for our modern sensibilities. Any time I have spoken to a newbee I've remembered that there are really precious few things that are actually covenanted to not be uttered outside the walls. The rest may be spoken in respectful circumstances. Too much of the hush hush smacks of the Pharisaical encumbrances to never uttering God's name and so forth. Sacred does not have to mean secret. 

This pearl was meant to be shared and rejoiced in when found."